Okay, so now I'm sad and not because I just watched a devastatingly sad film. :(

I don't really know why I'm sad. Hmm. I cut my hand on the baked bean tin, but it didn't bleed much. It was one of those, "There's stuff inside, I could stick my hand in and clean it out" moments. I knew full well it could end in disaster, but I did it anyway. I could come to a sticky end if sticking metal knives into the toaster backfires, but I'm not going to die from a baked bean tin injury.

I think the not knowing sort of sadness is the worst of all. Although I can figure out a few reasons why I'm sad. But why are they making me sad now? They weren't before. *sigh*

I mean, I miss everyone at home. I miss my family. I miss the people at Emmaus, the non-denominational church gathering I used to attend on Sunday evenings. I miss playing my bass guitar there. I miss my brother's drumming. I even miss work. Well, maybe not the work itself, but I miss the people I worked with. They all seemed to have such faith in my abilities. I can never tell whether people are saying really nice things because they mean them or because they're just being nice. I suppose they had no reason to pretend. They didn't pretend with one person who worked there for a while - evil Fiona. They told me to come and do a Masters degree. They all think I'll do it and end up a success. They think I'll end up famous. Why do they think that?

I don't think I'll ever be famous. I don't think I'd want to be, unless it was the sort of famous where I was walking down the street and people were saying, "That perpendicular meringulator is so cool", and I'd invented it. It'd be nice to be appreciated. And I know some people appreciate me. I just don't know if it's enough. I come online, I try and help people in whatever small way I can, and they go away and forget me. The internet is a place for fleeting relationships.

That's why I'd like to say, to those who still bother to talk to me after all these years of online friendship, thankyou. Thanks for the snail mail, the mail that takes extra effort to put together. Thanks for putting up with me.

I feel very introspective...

I know that Christopher Judge will never e-mail me back - who'd e-mail someone who's apparently tracked you down in an obsessive manner and then admitted to running a fan site? And the funny thing is, I'm not obsessed with Christopher Judge. I just started the site because he didn't have a fan site (and he should, Teal'c is great!) and I like collating information. (Sad, I know.) I mean, the apparently obsessive manner was me practicing some newly learned search engine tips. But I've never had a crush (or whatever) on Teal'c. If I hadn't been watching Stargate for five years, people might suspect that I was now watching it because of Jonas. Because I admitted on several lists that this smile makes me go all melty inside. Or it did. In my present insecure state, who knows what that means?

And to top it all off, yesterday morning I went to rinse out the milk container and there was a spider in the sink. It was a big spider, a proper one with a fat body. Not one of those spindly little things. 5 or 6 cm across. It was sitting there, waiting. But the weird thing is, it was completely submerged. Ali poked it and it was dead. (Obviously, they can't breathe underwater.) But people said that the native spiders can't bite people, and I've proved that wrong...

Ali kept on about how she'd found several spiders that size in the house. I'm so scared of spiders. If you're not scared, you can't understand what the fear is like. I really am terrified.

Now I'm scared and sad.

And recycling makes me bleed or find huge spiders.

*sigh*

posted by Fiery Fred @ 10:10 PM