Ah... when Rob said about breaking geekiness records he meant that we held hands while installing Office 2000. Oh the terrible geeky shame... ;)

Hmmm...

Lately I keep looking at my life and thinking, "What am I doing? I have no control over my life at all!", and then I think, "But I never had control... it's just that things seem more complicated now." And besides, who does have control over their life? I've been all introspective about things like this before, thinking about how things haven't worked out how I wanted them to (such as job interviews after getting my degree) but the eventual result always seems to be better than I could ever have imagined.

I know I go on about this, but I'm so thankful that I didn't get offered all those jobs I applied for after my degree. The pay wasn't great but I loved working at WHSmith, I loved the people I worked with, I loved stock replenishing, tidying, displays, dealing with reps, sorting out the book order computer... I even enjoyed interacting with most of the customers!

See, that's the thing, I can't see where anything's going. But God can... yeah, back to Him again. :)

I think my problem at the moment is that I have this horrible fear that the stuff I know isn't enough. It's hard to explain. Up until now I've, well, I suppose I've gotten through life by being as nice to people as I can. Part of me wonders whether this niceness is just a superficial thing. It's okay being nice to people in small doses, but what if I get thrown into situations that I have no experience with?

I've led a sheltered life, really. I was brought up in a Christian home, I was bullied at school (who wasn't) but I kept out of trouble and developed a geeky streak a mile wide. My closest friends did the same things as me, so I never had to get involved with their uncomfortable problems. I didn't do all the stuff normal teenagers did, so I never had to deal with drunk friends or two-timing boyfriends, fights or other unpleasantness. How far would my niceness extend? I ache inside when I think about this... I have no idea.

It's not that I'd suddenly stop being 'nice', but I reckon I'd panic. I wouldn't know what to do.

Maybe it's easy to be nice when your life is so full of nice things. Apart from my old work friends and my uni friends (who are all nice anyway) I don't really mix with non-Christians. Apart from on the internet. And my internet friends are all nice too.
Sounds like I'm complaining about having nice friends, or something... I'm not. I'm intensely grateful that I'm this fortunate.

I dunno where this is going.

I'm so glad that I'm in so many great people's lives. I feel privileged. I love hearing what you're all up to. When you're sad I wish there were things I could do to help. Sometimes I feel a bit useless, as if it wouldn't really matter whether I was here or not, but I'm glad I've been given the opportunity to know you all.

Writing this has brought a tear to my eye. Now I feel a bit daft. But... I suppose I just wanted to make sure you all know how much you mean to me. Whether I know you in real life, or via the internet, or whatever... you're all an integral part of my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm happy, though. Don't worry about me.

I think all I can do is go with the flow and see where I end up. I wouldn't be here (wherever here is, and it's certainly not a bad place!) without Ali, and she's not going anywhere. And now I have Rob and he makes me happy, and I don't want to think about it too much. I just know I like it. I like him, I mean... Why do I have to work out what anything means? I just want to soak everything up. Reminds me of a song I've been listening to a lot lately... Athlete's song Beautiful. I won't quote the lyrics because people who quote lyrics annoy me. ;)

I'd better stop before I bore you all to death. Plus thinking about all this is threatening to make me burst into tears. Again. Honestly, I don't cry! Except for every single time I watch Batteries Not Included. And I hardly think those little alien robot guys compare with real life events. That film is an inexplicable exception to my not cryingness.

I'm rambling, aren't I? And not even in an interesting manner.

I meant to write about yesterday's exciting trip, but this is already pretty long. And I could probably do the day more justice if I wasn't in such a peculiar mood. :)

I'll see you later, then.

Bye!

I have been mostly.... READING: bedside lovers [and other goats] (joe bennett)