Okay, tonight I'm going to stop wallowing in self pity and talk about something else. Or someone. For tonight I am going to talk about John Otway! Yes, the amusing fellow who graced the stage during last night's Top of the Pops.

The aforementioned Microstar had a number 27 hit back in 1977, called "(Cor Baby That's) Really Free", but after that his career went downhill. Luckily for us, he's back! And in a remarkably novel way. You see, he created a CD of songs and got his fans to vote on which ones they liked the most. The idea was to get him back in the charts for his 50th birthday. And where did the song enter the charts? Higher than number 27? Did it ever! It's number 9!!!

And how entertaining was he? Hilarious! Completely hilarious! And the lyrics are just... well, hilarious! If you don't believe me when I say it's hilarious, you can watch last night's performance here! I mean, it's gotta be better than Holly Valance, right? :)

And I'm clearly not the only person who thought he was hilarious. You can vote on which performance was the best, and he's currently winning with a massive 70.8% of the votes! Poor little pop idol Gareth Gates is way behind (in second place, mind you) with 14.9% Mwahahahhaa!

The amazing thing is that he's reached nine in the chart even though several major retailers have refused to sell his song. Yes, the shops include my former employer WHSmith. (As well as Woolworths and Asda.) Shame on you! When I think about how I was forced to push Will Young on everyone who came in, I feel even more ashamed! *grin*

If this isn't weird enough, wait until you see the lyrics. They were inspired by his daughter's homework - it's all about chemistry. Well, in a strange way. Oh, I'll just put the lyrics (as I worked them out) in here and you can see for yourself!

I didn't have the very beginning, so it starts halfway through the spoken bit. Sad.

And the "acid" "I said" play on words... well, I wasn't sure how to write it down.

It's based around the disco classic - I'm sure you'd have noticed that, but hey.

So without further ado, the lyrics to John Otway's sensational new hit, Bunsen Burner!

(spoken) …basic organic chemistry.

I’m an alchemist baby,
I can turn heavy metal into gold.
I can make an unstable compound
Of mercury explode.
I can make you glow,
I can make you phosphoresce.
I can burst your bubble!
I can make you effervesce.
Science tells us love’s a chemical reaction in the brain,
So let me be your Bunsen burner,
Let me be your naked flame!

(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your Bunsen burner!
(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your naked flame!
(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your Bunsen burner!
(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your naked flame!

You’re gonna turn bright red
When I do my litmus test on you.
Acidulous, acid it is,
And what I said is true!
Check out what’s in the test tube baby,
You’re my little pipette.
You’re my favourite piece of apparatus
In my chemistry set!
Science tells us love’s a chemical reaction in the brain,
So let me be your Bunsen burner,
Let me be your naked flame!

(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your Bunsen burner!
(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your naked flame!
(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your Bunsen burner!
(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your naked flame!
(Burn baby burn)

(spoken) In order to achieve a faster, more sustainable reaction you must obviously use some form of catalyst. Or, possibly, a source of heat. For instance…

(Burn baby burn)

(spoken) …the Bunsen burner.

(instrumental)

You’re the kind of carbon
That I can date.
You’re the element that makes me passionate.
There’s a chemistry experiment I wanna try in my brain,
So come close to the Bunsen burner,
Feel the heat of the naked flame.
Science tells us love’s a chemical reaction in the brain,
So let me be your Bunsen burner,
Let me be your naked flame!

(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your Bunsen burner!
(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your naked flame!
(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your Bunsen burner!
(Burn baby burn)
Let me be your naked flame!
(Burn baby burn)
I know what I’m doing, I am a chemist.
(Burn baby burn)
Now this is quite interesting.
(Burn baby burn)
Have you tried covalent bonding?
(Burn baby burn)
Let’s try putting these two together!

(EXPLOSION!)

Heh heh heh, carbon that I can date.

I love it. :D